What Happens When You Hit the Breaking Point

A few years ago, I wrote about how I doubled down on getting healthy. It was a great feeling to have pulled myself out of a rut and started feeling good again. I’ve often struggled with my body and finally unwinding a few of the things that made it feel bad went a long way toward helping me feel happier most days.

I’m sad to say that I eventually fell off that wagon, however. I’m not sure exactly when it happened. But I do think the pandemic had a lot to do with it. Those years were tough, and I can’t deny that I often turned to food and unhealthy habits to help me cope with the stress.

I, like many other people, hoped that everything would snap back to normal as soon as the lockdowns lifted and people started moving through their regular daily lives again. But normal never quite returned, did it?

The fact of the matter is that we all picked up new habits – and even new friends! – during the long months of lockdown. And after things started to go back to normal, we all shuffled our schedules to try to fit all of the new stuff alongside the old stuff. I can’t be the only one who has felt like I’m juggling twice as many plates as I did in the days before lockdown started.

Among all the chaos, it has been hard to reestablish the healthy patterns that kept me feeling my best. And it all came to a head for me in April when my body finally decided it had had enough.

The Never-Ending Cycle

It starts out innocently. One day you just can’t keep up with the mental load. So you turn to the quickest and easiest coping mechanism. For me, this usually means food indulgence. It does the trick; it keeps you on your feet. So the next time you encounter the same rut, you do the same thing hoping for a quick fix.

I’m not sure exactly when things slipped through my fingers. I know I’ve been struggling to make healthy choices for a long time. My body has started to hurt more as I’ve gotten older. And though I know some of that pain (sciatica) comes from bad habits and my tendency to sit at my computer for long hours every day, that doesn’t make the problems easy to fix.

It doesn’t help that as time has gone on, I have tried to tackle more and more creative problems. It’s always been a point of pride for me that I release 5 new books and 1 new box set every year. This is possible only due to the considerable buffer I’ve built up over the years.

But these releases aren’t easy to achieve. I get so focused on new projects and crafting new stories that I never leave myself enough time to get my releases ready. This means I end up cramming a lot of extra work into the evenings while I try to keep my deadlines. Which means there are periods of the year during which I never really stop working until I go to sleep.

All of these things pile on top of each other. The stress and strain of hitting deadlines causes me to neglect my physical health. Then, in an attempt to bolster my mental health, I lean on unhealthy habits to gain a tiny boost.

The Breaking Point

The most frustrating part about this situation is that I tried to listen to my body. I tried to take care of myself. But it turns out that I didn’t understand what my body was trying to tell me. And because I’m familiar with chronic pain, I’ve developed an unhealthy tendency to push through.

On April 16th, I bent over to put a detergent pod in my dishwasher and threw my back into spasm. It was the worst possible time. We had company visiting from out of province and big weekend plans to hang out with them. I was also in the middle of one of my weekly livestream sessions, as well as trying to put together 2 book releases. (One under my penname.)

I returned to my desk, started my stream and realized that the pain I had been managing in my back was expanding beyond my control. I had already taken a painkiller that morning, but it didn’t help. Ice didn’t help either. I tried all the usual methods; I adjusted my chair, did a few cat cows and got up to move around.

Nothing helped. The pain got progressively worse until I could barely stand up and walk across the house. I ended my stream and called my mother-in-law in a panic. She was the one who helped me identify what was happening.

Those first 2 days were the worst. I wouldn’t wish that kind of pain on anyone. The only way for me to get remotely comfortable was to lay flat on my back. But you aren’t actually supposed to do that. You’re supposed to try to get up and move about after this kind of injury. That first night, ever time my husband helped me off the couch, I would whimper. It was rough.

Hind-Sight is 20/20

I’m obviously doing a lot better by the writing of this post. And by the time it goes out, I’ll hopefully be back to my old self. It’s been a long road. And as I write this, I have a long way still to walk. But a lot of good has come out of this experience, and for that I’m grateful. (Though I do wish I could have skipped the wretched pain.)

I experienced a lot of revelations in the wake of my injury. For a few days, they came hard and fast. And there was more than a little ugly crying.

I realized first and foremost that I work too much. Somewhere along the line, I took this thing that I love to do and I turned it into a giant ball of stress generation. I’ve been driving myself to hit arbitrary deadlines that no one is going to mind me missing except myself. And possibly the worst part of it is that time would have been better spent maintaining my physical health, which has suffered from the amount of time I’ve spent crammed in my computer chair.

I also realized that I have been dealing with a lot by just kind of shoving it all to the background and telling myself I was on top of it. I never told anyone about the pain I was experiencing in my back until it got out of control. I’ve never tried to talk to a professional about the amount of anxiety I deal with on a daily basis. And suddenly I can’t figure out why.

The Light at the End of the Tunnel

So I doubled down on my health, because it’s way past time. I instantly implemented some changes to my work schedule, including switching this blog over to biweekly content. I loosened some of my deadlines and I freed up my evenings. The results have been dramatic.

Also, at the recommendation of a dear friend, I contacted an Osteopath who has been helping me get back on my feet. I saw my doctor to look into underlying causes of the various sources of my pain. I started physical therapy to rebuild my body properly. And as of this writing, I have signed up for a first consultation with a therapist to help me with my anxiety.

I’m at the start of my road. There are still hard and heavy days, and I’m often frustrated by how far I still have left to go. But I’m dedicated to walking this road and staying on it this time.

All I can say is, learn from my mistakes. If you’re struggling with chronic pain or mental health, don’t push it aside and struggle onward. Talk to someone. Get help. It has made a massive difference for me, and I can’t help wishing I had reached out sooner!